


Closer (I Just Want You To Know Who I Am)

by celestiasexual



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Bottom Gabriel, Emotional Porn, Emotional Sex, Established Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Established Relationship, Ficlet, Fighting, Fluff and Smut, Goodbye Sex, Living Together, M/M, Make up sex, One Shot, Sad Ending, Sexual Content, Smut, Top Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 11:43:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2149491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestiasexual/pseuds/celestiasexual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was there, hanging heavy in the air between them, silently asking to be acknowledged, but they pushed it away, ignored it, and pretended it didn’t exist. There was an unspoken agreement to not talk about it, so they went about their day as if nothing had changed. As if their relationship hadn’t suddenly got stamped with an expiry date.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Closer (I Just Want You To Know Who I Am)

**Author's Note:**

> There's [an edit on tumblr](http://samshinee.tumblr.com/post/94952832419/closer-i-just-want-you-to-know-who-i-am-read) and [a fanmix on 8tracks](http://8tracks.com/samshineee/replace-your-heart-with-mine) to go with this fic.  
> Please excuse any mistakes, this has not been beta-read.
> 
> There's also a russian translation of this fic by the lovely Rinya which can be found [here](http://ficbook.net/readfic/2300532/6276028#part_content).

 

_And all I can taste is this moment_  
 _And all I can breathe is your life_  
 _When sooner or later it's over_  
 _I just don't wanna miss you tonight_

 

 

“Don’t go.”

Gabriel’s heart falls to his stomach as soon as he hears the words, and he stays frozen with his hand clutched tightly around the TV’s remote control, unable to turn around and face Sam.

They’d been tip-toeing around the matter for weeks now. When it came up, it was unintentional – Gabriel had muttered something once about whether to book a flight or drive, and then immediately changed the subject.

It was there, hanging heavy in the air between them, silently asking to be acknowledged, but they pushed it away, ignored it, and pretended it didn’t exist. There was an unspoken agreement to not talk about it, so they went about their day as if nothing had changed. They kept to their routine of having breakfast together before work, and taking turns to make dinner, and cuddling in front of the TV afterwards, where they bickered about whose turn it was to get up and go do the dishes.

As if their relationship hadn’t suddenly got stamped with an expiry date.

Sam swallows hard at the complete lack of response from Gabriel. He puts the dishtowel and the plate on the kitchen counter and heads to the bedroom, even as he hears Gabriel’s footsteps right behind him. He stands by the door that leads to the en-suite bathroom with his back turned against Gabriel.

Gabriel takes a deep breath. “Sam, I can’t stay. I can’t not go.”

“So you’ve said.”

“And you said you understood.”

Sam drags his hands through his hair, grasping at it. “I don’t,” He finally turns to face his boyfriend of almost ten months. “I didn’t lie back when I said I did, but now I don’t. Why do they need you there so badly?” he asks, barely able to keep his voice even.

Gabriel averts his eyes to the floor. Every word feels like another ice-cold stab through his chest. “I’m sorry, Sam, if there was any other way…”

“Why isn’t there one?” Sam asks, raising his voice. “I feel like you haven’t been honest with me, Gabe! What’s the big family emergency that they need you there for?”

Gabriel is quiet for a long moment, as he tries to come up with an answer, but there isn’t anything he could say to fix things, to make them better. He knows he’s at fault, he knows he has no control over what’s happening, and it makes him feel even worse.

“I just need to go. My family, they’ve asked me-”

“Oh screw that!” Sam interrupts him, his voice booming louder than ever.

Silence falls in the room, and it’s louder than ever before. Ten months together and they’d never fought this badly – hell, they barely even had fights. They disagreed on things, maybe exchanged a few spiteful words, but sooner or later it all came down to the fact that they couldn’t be mad at each other for longer than a day. Sam heard so many stories of messed up relationships and marriages, and the truly horrible things that other couples did to each other, and he couldn’t understand how he’d been so lucky to find someone so special; how they’d found each other, really.

There wasn’t a secret or magic to their relationship, even if their friends posed that question multiple times. It was just the fact that they understood each other, cared for each other, and were comfortable with each other. Everyone, of course, scoffed at that answer, and opted for the more believable option; “You guys are totally one of those ‘made-for-each-other’ soul mates and you’re just screwing with the rest of us single folk.” Jo had told them bitterly one day. Sam had laughed it off, while Gabe had smiled sheepishly, as if silently agreeing that indeed, that was the situation.

And yet, for all the ‘luck’ they’d had in coming together, they were now being pried apart by the cruel hands of fate.

 

The room grows darker as the time passes on, with only the light from the hallway scarcely illuminating it, and the silence still hangs in the air, dense and stiff. Gabriel shifts in his seat on the floor against the bedroom wall, stretching his legs forward instead of having them close to his chest. Sam, noticing the motion, glances at him from the corner of his eye; he’s standing with his back against the door of the en-suite bathroom, staring at the ceiling as if all the answers to his problems will magically appear on it.

When he speaks again, after a very long time, his voice is low and hoarse. “If they needed you so badly, why are you still here?” he stares at Gabriel now, a blank expression on his face. “It’s been weeks now, Gabe… why haven’t you gone yet?”

“I don’t want to go!” Gabriel shouts back, then he relaxes immediately, and lowers his voice. He’s surprised at his sudden outburst, since normally he’s in better control of his emotions. “Because I don’t want to go, Sam.”

Sam presses his palms to his eyes, fighting back the tears. It hurts to hear Gabriel admit that, it makes everything so much worse. Maybe it would be easier to know that he’s leaving because he’s found someone else; because he doesn’t love Sam anymore; because of reason x or y or z. Anything else, anything else he’d accept, Sam knows that. He’d forgive and forget and maybe even move on one day. But not this, never this. This will keep him up at nights for months.

Sam takes a deep breath; he shakes his head, as if to stop himself from crying. “I don’t want to fight.” He says, his voice breaking. He walks to the bed and sits down, his fingers sinking forcefully into the soft comforter.

Gabriel hesitates for a moment before approaching Sam, sitting on his knees opposite him. He places his hand on Sam’s cheek, softly, hesitantly caressing it. “I’m really sorry, Sam.” He moves forward and brushes his lips against Sam’s.

Sam shakes his head again. “I don’t want to fight,” he repeats, his voice a mere whisper. He cups Gabriel’s face in his hands and crashes their mouths together. Sam wraps his arms around Gabriel and pulls him up, helping him settle in his lap, but as soon as his hands creep up Gabriel’s shirt, they’re stopped.

“No,” Gabriel breaks the kiss to look into Sam’s eyes. “Slow. Let’s take it slow.”

Sam nods, even as he feels overwhelmed by everything. He takes a breath and brings their mouths together again, only now it’s long, slow kisses, savouring each other’s taste. Every move is painfully deliberate, and somewhere in the back of their minds they know this is probably the last time they’ll ever be with each other, and they can’t rush it. They don’t want it to be over, not just yet.

The clothes come off one by one, with careful, unhurried movements of unbuttoning shirts, and unzipping trousers, and stripping each other down until it’s all bare skin against skin, and wonderful body heat. Sam lays Gabriel on his back, and leans over him, his mouth making a trail of kisses over every inch of Gabriel’s bare skin. There’s a faint hint of a smile on Gabriel’s lips when Sam looks him in the eyes, silently asking for approval to move forward. Gabriel thinks that never before have they been this cautious during sex, even those nights when they took their time, spending hours unraveling each other’s bodies. Never before has there been such great sadness in Sam’s eyes; there’s no trace of that pure lust he always sees, but the desperate yearning to keep Gabriel close to him for as long as possible.

They fall into a steady rhythm soon; after countless of soft kisses and tentative touches, Sam feels the need to bring them together as close as possible, no longer being able to resist. He gathers Gabriel in his arms again, makes him comfortable in his lap, and slides in, a breathy moan escaping his mouth as he does. Gabriel lets out a low groan. He crashes his mouth against Sam’s, and kisses him fiercely, biting down on Sam’s bottom lip so hard that it makes him cry out. They start moving slowly against each other, with their arms locked around each other. Fingers tug on messy, damp hair and sink into bare, sweaty skin, as if trying to hold on to each other as much as physically possible, before they slip through each other’s fingers, disappearing from the life they used to share.

The room is still dimply lit, and quiet, except for the sound of breathy moans against each other’s mouths, and a faint, distant sound of the television which has been left on in the living room. Gabriel had left it on a music channel, which is now playing a love ballad – something he’d undoubtedly find too cheesy and turn off, but now it’s actually quite fitting. Though they’re too lost in one another to be paying attention to the songs.

Soon it becomes overpowering. The feeling of Gabriel’s body against Sam’s own, the way they pull and push and move together, again, and again, and again. Sam feels the pleasure building up; it builds and builds, and overtakes his senses, and his pain overwhelms him. He feels tears prickling at the corner of his eyes and he fights them back. Instead he grabs Gabriel by the neck and kisses him eagerly.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” the words spill out of his mouth in a chant-like manner.

Gabriel stops moving. He brings both of his hands to Sam’s face and cups it, and kisses him ever so softly. Sam squeezes his eyes shut, trying to savor every second of the kiss. Gabriel tastes different this time. There’s something almost electrifying in the kiss; like thunderstorms and lightning, something that stings his senses like when he looks directly at the sun. Sam could swear he sees a flash of something bright for an instant, but then it’s gone too fast. Gabriel grabs on to him and starts moving again, rising up and sinking down, a little more intensely than earlier. “I love you, Sam,” he cries out loud when he comes, though he keeps moving until Sam follows him beyond the edge soon after, calling Gabriel’s name in a breathless, croaky voice.

It’s all over too soon, and then comes morning.

Sam wakes up to an empty bed, sunshine streaming through the curtains, and the familiar sound of a car engine rumbling to life just outside.

 

 

 

Gabriel drives the entire way with a permanent frown fixed upon his face, and his foot pressing hard against the gas pedal. He reaches the meeting point sooner than he expects to, and feels something break inside him when he sees that a few of his siblings have already arrived and were waiting for him. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, dreading the flight home. Gabriel is almost certain he can feel pieces of him break one by one. He wonders how long it’ll be before he’s completely gone, and wishes it’s soon. When it’s time to go, he looks around himself one last time, feeling the anger overwhelm him. He’s angry at himself, most of all.

“Well,” he thinks to himself bitterly. “That’s what you get for falling for a mortal.”

 


End file.
